


That time of the Month

by dancinluv



Series: Random Sleepy Hollow Ficlets [4]
Category: Sleepy Hollow (TV)
Genre: F/M, Sorry Not Sorry, attempted humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-13
Updated: 2015-12-13
Packaged: 2018-05-06 14:25:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5420495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dancinluv/pseuds/dancinluv
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Joe helps Crane deal with Abbie's PMS.</p>
            </blockquote>





	That time of the Month

 Joe pulls into Abbie's driveway. He gets out the car. Slamming the door behind him, he runs up to Abbie's door and knocks urgently on the door. Crane opens the door. A look of relief floods his face when he sees a confused Joe standing in the doorway.

  **Crane** : Oh, thank heavens you're here.

 -Joe walks inside still looking confused at Crane. Crane closes the door behind him.

 **Joe** : Yeah, I got your voicemail. You said it was imperative that I came over right away. What 's going on? Is everything alright?

-Crane looks up at the top of the stairs for a second then back at Joe.

 **Crane** (He looks away, lost in thought for a moment and mutters under his breath): hopefully,  she's resting.

  **Joe** (leans over to Crane): I'm sorry I didn't catch that. What did you say?

 **Crane** (brings his attention back to Joe): eh-uh-nothing of importance. Mr. Corbin, I have a situation. It's Leftenant Mills. She's um-

-A loud voice brings Joe's and Crane's attention to the top of the stairs.

  **Abbie** (yells from the bathroom): DAMMIT CRANE! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO PUT THE DAMN TOILET SEAT DOWN! .... YOU WOULD THINK WITH YOUR EIDETIC MEMORY YOU'D REMEMBERED SOMETHING AS SIMPLE AS THAT.

 **Joe** : was that Abbie? (looks puzzled at Crane)

 **Crane** (Shakes his head): yes. I'm afraid so. You see. The Leftenant has not been herself the past few days.

**Joe** : What do you mean?

**Crane** : She um- well, how do I simply put it. Her moods have been fluctuating unpredictably.

-Joe and Crane suddenly look up at the top of the stairs again when they hear her singing happily as if she was in her own Disney film. Her singing suddenly comes to a halt. In unison, their eyes roam up at the ceiling from the thumping noise of heavy footsteps above them.

**Abbie** (yells from her bedroom): CRANE, WHY ARE MY PANTIES IN YOUR ROOM. ON YOUR BED. (shouts irately) SOMETHING YOU NEED TO TELL ME?

-Joe widens his eyes at Crane. Crane's cheeks turn rosy pink.

**Crane** : it-it-it's not what you think. After laundering my clothing, I found her undergarment _clinging_ to my shirt. The Leftenant must of left them in the dryer accidently. I failed to notice they had been left behind before drying my own clothing.

-They just look at each other.

**Joe** :.......

**Crane** :......

**Joe:** that's the story you're going with?

**Crane** : yes.

**Joe** :think she'll buy it.

**Crane** : I bloody well hope so.

-Crane and Joe snap there heads up and direct their attention at the top of the staircase.

**Abbie** (again, shouts from her room, sounding more calm): CRANE? CAN YOU GO TO THE STORE AND GET ME SOME TAMPONS? I'M FRESH OUT.

**Crane** (shouts back) OF COURSE. I SHALL LEAVE MOMENTARILY.

**Abbie** (snaps back): NO, I NEED YOU TO GO NOW CRANE! (mutters to herself, loud enough for Crane and Joe to hear): men don't understand what we women have to go through. It's not like they bleed five days in a row. They can't sympathize.

-Joe looks sympathetically at Crane. Crane starts frantically searching for the car keys.

**Abbie** (shouts back down): NEVER MIND CRANE. I FOUND A BOX INSIDE THE BATHROOM CABINET. FORGOT I ALREADY BOUGHT SOME AT THE STORE YESTERDAY.

-Crane stops searching. Looks at the top of the stairs partially annoyed.

**Abbie** (continues talking): DID YOU KNOW THEY HAD A SPECIAL ON PEARL TAMPONS? BUY ONE, GET THE SECOND HALF OFF. CAN'T BEAT THAT. AND THEY FEEL AS COMFORTABLE AS A MANS DICK.

-Crane slaps his hand across his forehead and slides it down his face. Joe covers his mouth to hide a snicker. As sorry as he felt for Crane, he found part of his predicament humorous.

**Abbie** (continues talking) : NOT AS BIG THOUGH,,,, AND, NOT AS SATISFYING AS MY VIBRATOR. SPEAKING OF WHICH. REMIND ME TO GET SOME DOUBLE AA BATTERIES NEXT TIME WE'RE OUT. CRANE YOU ALRIGHT DOWN THERE? YOU'RE AWFULLY QUIET.

-He squeezes his eyes closed and pinches the bridge of his nose. He bites down on his lower lip restraining himself from allowing a curse to slip from his tongue. His only prayer was that this day will end soon.

**Joe** (pats him on the shoulder) : hang in there man. Only three more days to go.

**Abbie** : DAMN, SINCE WHEN DID I GAIN TEN POUNDS. I CAN'T WEAR THIS OUTFIT ANYMORE. MY ASS AND THIGHS ARE TOO BIG TO FIT INTO THESE LEGGINGS. WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING. CRANE, DO I LOOK FAT TO YOU? I'M SOOO FAT. (she whines)

**Crane** (shouts back): NO LEFTENANT. YOU DO NOT LOOK FAT. YOUR SIZE HAS NOT ALTERED FROM THE VERY FIRST DAY I MET YOU.

**Abbie** : AND WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSE TO MEAN?

**Crane** (throws hands up in the air) : oh for the love of-..... IT MEANS YOU'VE ALWAYS HAD A DIMINUTIVE FORM.

**Abbie** (says in an unappreciative tone) I GUESS. (whines liked a spoiled child): OHHHHH, WHAT AM I GOING TO WEAR. NOTHING FITS ME RIGHT.

**Crane** (rakes his hand through his hair and slaps the side of his face) (sighs heavily and looks at Joe): May I offer you a bottle of chilled ale, because I could sure as hell use one.

**Joe** : that's one offer I will not turn down.

-they walk inside the kitchen. Crane opens the fridge door and peeks inside. He snatches two bottles of Stella Artois. He opens the bottles and hands one to Joe.

**Abbie** (Shouts angrily) : CRANE, THE NEXT TIME YOU NOTICE THE TOILET PAPER ROLL GETTING LOW, MAKE SURE YOU LEAVE AN EXTRA ROLL ON THE SINK. I BARELY HAD ENOUGH TP TO WIPE MY ASS.

-Joe and Crane just looked at each other. Both men took a hurried swig of their beer.

**Joe** : and I thought Jenny was bad around this time.

**Crane** : how do you handle it?

**Joe** : I don't. My ass gets the hell out of dodge and doesn't come back until it's over.

**Crane:** and she is okay with your absence?

**Joe:** yeah, well-no, I mean, of course I don't tell her the _real_ reason I need to leave. I'd always tell her I have to go on some mandatory work retreat. A monthly thing.

**Crane** : and she believes you.

**Joe** : so far. (takes another sip of his beer)

-Crane and Joe turn around and jump when they see Abbie standing behind them. She has an avocado face mask on. Lavender purple plastic rollers covering her entire head. The two of them looked spooked as soon as they saw her appearance.

**Crane** : (looking terrified says lowly) dear god..

**Abbie** (says surprisingly) Crane, why didn't you tell me Joe was here. (smiles at Joe)

**Crane** (still in shock. Not use to seeing Abbie wear an avocado mask): must have slipped my mind.

-all Joe could see through her green cover up was her pearly white teeth. Abbie walks over to Joe. She points at her right cheek, indicating to Joe to kiss her there. Joe hesitated before leaning down and giving her a quick peck. Crane sucks in his lips to contain his laughter.

-When Abbie walks away Joe crinkles up his nose, hating the fact he had to kiss green cream. Crane covers his mouth to hide his mild laugh when he sees the cream all over Joe's lips. Joe catches Crane's amused eyes and his less audible chuckle. They both mouth back and forth a short conversation to each other so Abbie couldn't hear. Her back was turned to them and too busy looking for a glass in the upper cabinets above the sink.

**Joe** (mouths to Crane) : not funny.

**Crane** (uncovers his mouth. He silently responds back still snickering ) : yes it is. (points around his own lips, trying his best to let Joe know he has cream on his lips)

**Joe** (grabs a napkin and wipes off the cream. He mouths back to Crane) : Is it gone?

-Crane shakes his head yes, still chuckling.

**Joe** (mouths to Crane) : I think I got some in my mouth.

-after finding a glass she turns back around and walks to the refrigerator. She opens the fridge door and takes out a container of orange juice. She notices there is only an ounce of juice left. She shakes the container before slamming it onto the counter. She narrows her eyes at Crane.

-Joe and Crane looked at each as if they already know what's coming.

**Abbie** (says irately): seriously crane! This is all you left me. (she holds up the container in his view and slams it back down on the counter. Gestures to the juice with her hand as she speaks) Why didn't you just kill it? There's barely a swallow of juice left.

**Crane** (says defensively) : I beg to differ. I left you a decent amount to fill a glass.

-Joe turns away, (thinks to himself) _wrong thing to say man._

**Abbie** (gives him an incredulous glare) : are you for real right now? What you left for me wouldn't be fit for a fly to dive into.

**Abbie** (mumbles while grabbing the container and opening the fridge door to put the almost empty jug back inside the fridge) now I gotta make an extra unnecessary trip to the store because Mr. leaves a sip over here forgot he has a roommate, who as well, loves her some OJ too.

**Crane** : my apologies. I shall go to the market and acquire more juice, so you do not have to burden yourself with the additional task.

**Abbie** (rolls her eyes): Thanks, and when you do, make sure to pick up some extra tampons. 

-she walks past crane to grab a box of assorted chocolates that was sitting by her toaster.

**Crane** (whines): must I?

-Abbie just turns and gives him an evil glare. 

**Crane** : right, of course.  and it was the pearls you prefer?

-still keeping her narrowed eyes on Crane,

**Crane** : I'll take that as a yes.

-Joe's eyes dart back and forth between Abbie and Crane. She opens the box of chocolates and grits her teeth in frustration when noticed the good chocolates were gone and the rest of the chocolates left in the box had been bit into.

**Abbie** (looking mad as hell at Crane) : care to explain (she shoves the box in his face) this?

**Crane** : no-now-now Leftenant. I only meant to taste one. What started out as one, became two, and so on.. but-but-but I left you a good share behind.

**Abbie** : yeah, you sure did alright. You left me the coconut filled chocolates, which I hate. 

**Crane:**  which part? the chocolate or the coconuts?

**Abbie** : THE COCONUTS! You know I hate coconut candy.

**Crane** : I don't recall you ever telling me so and If I remember correctly, you enjoy Pina Colada's. A beverage that includes coconut as one of its primary ingredients.

**Abbie** : That's different. It's an alcoholic beverage. When there's rum involved I don't care what the hell the ingredients are.

**Crane** : perhaps I was saving you from-

**Abbie** (cuts him off. Shoots him a dirty look): saving me from what Crane?

-Joe was staring hard at Crane, hoping he wouldn't say something stupid.

**Crane** : saving-you-from....ruining your lovely diminutive figure.

**Abbie** : what are trying to say Crane? are you saying I'm fat? You think I'm fat, don't you?

**Crane** : no, no, in no way was I implying-

**Abbie** (cuts him off again and says flatly) : that I'm fat.

-Joe could feel the heat radiating from where Abbie stood. He was feeling more and more sorry for Crane. He decided to intervene.

**Joe** : Abbie, I don't think Crane was trying to be insulting. I think what Crane is, _trying_ to convey here is, he understands how important it is for a woman to keep her figure... which-you-don't have to worry about. You fill out in all the right places. I-mean-you _look_ _good_. (Abbie raises her brows, throws her hands on her hips.) I-meant-any man would have no issues making eye contact with you- ...shit....-that came out wrong....I meant - Abbie, you don't have to worry about loosing any weight. You look great as you are.... and (puts his hand on Crane's shoulder) I'm sure that is what Crane meant to say.

**Abbie** (looks at him as if he 's crazy) : Joe don't  co-sign for him. I _know_ what he meant.

**Joe** : no, Abbie, Crane was just trying to save you from unwanted calories, which is the last thing you need. (twists up his face after realizing how bad that sounded)

**Abbie** ( starts tearing up) I get it. You both think I'm fat. (starts crying)

Joe and Crane just look at each, unsure of what to do or say.

**Joe** : ......

**Crane:** ......

-Joe looks at Crane. looks at Abbie. Then back to Crane. Shrugs his shoulders. Gestures his hands out in Abbie's direction while looking at Crane. He hints for Crane to hug Abbie by doing a hugging motion.

**Crane** : (points to himself and mouths back to Joe) why must I?

**Joe** : (mouths back to Crane) just do it.

-Crane collapses his hands by his side, sighs and rolls his eyes. He moves closer to hug her while she continue whimpering.

**Abbie** : I must of gained ten pounds.

**Joe and Crane** : no, no, no.

**Joe** : not at all Abbie.

**Crane** (consoles her. Puts his arm around her shoulder): There, there. Please don' t cry Leftenant. You are the loveliest woman I have ever laid eyes upon.

-Abbie shoves his arm off of her shoulder and steps away.

**Abbie** (says in disgust): oh please. All you men stick together.

\- she walked away and rummages through her pantry, looking for anything else that will satisfy her sweet tooth. Joe leaned closer to Crane and whispers in his ear.

**Joe:** If you want to end this day right, take my advice... Just kiss her.

**Crane:** are you mad?

**Joe** : trust me. Two things a woman craves during her cycle. chocolate and sex. It will tame the beast. Chocolate is out, hate to say it, no thanks to you. Only option left is sex. Trust. Me.

**Crane** : are you certain?

**Joe** : dude, I'm positive. It works every time.

**Crane** : but the Leftenant and I have not crossed those boundaries.

**Joe** : doesn't matter.

**Crane** : I don't think I can. It's very difficult to set the mood when her face is covered in green goo.

**Joe:** do you want a peaceful night? or do you want to deal with Abbizilla over there.

-Joe put his hand on Crane's shoulder.

**Joe:** I think you're balls have been busted enough for one day...

**Crane:** agreed.

-Crane walks right up Abbie from behind and grabs her by the forearm. Before she could protest, he turns her around and kisses her forcefully and passionately. He grabs hers ass with his left hand while shooing away Joe with his right. Joe quietly leaves the house. Still locking lips, Crane leads Abbie to the bedroom. She follows eagerly. Her body was not arguing. Her hormones were craving a good fuck and she needed the penetration to ease her cramps. Crane and Abbie ended their night with a bang. Not one complaint came from Abbie's mouth, and Crane no longer had the need to call upon a friend because he discovered a whole new pleasure out of everything.


End file.
